o my soul faint not / o my soul keep up in love

So I got this tattoo on Saturday. The teeniest, tiniest heart tattoo on my foot. Being that I am not the most BA person to have walked this earth, it was only natural to rock probably the least BA tattoo that has ever walked the earth. I wanted it to represent 1 Corinthians 16:14 “Show love in everything you do.” I would say a heart is a pretty universal, pretty understood symbol of love and looking at it, I wanted to be reminded of a couple things. 1. Respond in love. To respond out of love even when it’s hardest. To try my darndest to treat my family in love even when I’m not feeling loved by them. 2. That I am loved. I am loved by the Ultimate Lover. Reminder #2 is the one that has been speaking loudest to me the last couple days. I, like millions of girls in this country have struggled with weight and dieting and eating disorders and self image and all the crap that goes along with it for years now. I’m, quite frankly, ticked off with the bondage that goes along with it today, so I guess that’s why I’m feeling inclined to address it myself.  Every time I look down at my foot, I FEEL loved. My God loves me with an unfailing love. My God loves the things I hate about myself. My God loves the things I fail to thank Him for. My God loves me intimately. My God loves me so much that I have to seek Him to show me how to love myself a fraction of what He does. There is such freedom that comes in truly knowing you are loved. The word “beloved” is an adjective that means “dearly loved”, according to good ol’ dictionary.com. I encourage you to turn this into a verb - “be loved”. Know and be confident in the fact that you are loved. Actively seek the Lord to show you how to be loved, to embrace His love, and to own it. Be free in His love. Don’t let the bondage of this world cloud your knowledge of how much He loves you. This lil tattoo is one of the greatest lessons for my walk with the Lord at the moment. Unfortunately, no matter how great the lesson or how small the tattoo, that is not something my Baptist grandmother will be supportive of when that fateful day comes and she finds out her granddaughter got a tat. Perhaps I will just become really accustomed to wearing socks on every single holiday and family reunion from here on out..

The coolest thing that God is teaching me right now is how to love! Oh man oh man. It’s what gets me up in the morning, it’s what keeps me laughing through nursing school (whew..), it’s what is salvaging familial relationships. And I’m so excited about it! I’m just so excited about living and learning. So astonishing how EVERYTHING changes when you are actively inflective. The Lord has given me happiness and hints of healing, which in it’s self is such a huge blessing and I am so thankful. I think I’ve been sad and broken for a veryyy long time. I’m so content and at peace while I’m finding myself in Him. Go fig.

I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in darkness.

“Deliver me out of the sadness. Deliver me out of the madness. Deliver me, courage to guide me. Deliver me, strength inside me. All of my life I’ve been in hiding. Wishing there was someone just like You. Now that You’re here, now that I’ve found you, I know You’re the One to pull me through.”

Lord,

You have pulled me out of darkness, the madness. You have been there every step of the way whether I acknowledged it or not. You are good. God, my eyes are opening. Give me Your eyes. Teach me how to love, how to love You. You are faithful. Teach me to trust You. Continue to teach me about surrenderance. God, I know You as Father - teach me Your other ways. You are good.

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I’ve fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it’s when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

I never understood what we meant when we said God is a jealous God.  I thought it made Him sound insecure and petty.  There’s this sin I’ve been struggling with and I made a covenant with God last week and gave it up to Him.  I lasted about a week and slipped up Thursday.  I couldn’t talk to Him yesterday.  I  read my morning devotion, but that’s all it was.  Sat through chapel..nothing.  I was so ashamed. 

I realized this morning that when God is jealous for me, He is jealous not in an earthly way.  He wants me.  He wants me to want Him more than that sin.  He wants me to choose Him because He knows what’s best for me.  He chooses me and is willing to fight.  He knows who I can be when I find myself in Him.  I was so ashamed that, with all He’s teaching me and the strides we’ve taken together, all that was in vain.  How could I not keep up my end of the deal?  I think marriage is a model of this.  In the future when our spouse will hurt us, the marriage is not over because of it.  We take into account our history and everything we’ve been through, the good - the bad, but you don’t divorce over a slip up.  Hurts nonetheless, but it’s not over.  I guess that’s what I had to remind myself.  I’m still stupid, but God’s not throwing it all away because I suck.

How can I be so insecure and petty to not choose my God over sin?  It is my weakness that makes me fall in love with the Lord all the more.  He is so very good.  I am in awe almost to the point of tears every day.  My Savior chose me.

Relationships and I..sometimes I feel like an ox in a glass shop..or..whatever that saying is. It’s ridiculous how many times I’m so reflective on myself that I can treat those closest to me pretty badly. Or I can get so frustrated and feel like I don’t understand where they’re coming from at all because of how they’re handling a situation is so different from how I would.

I took the 5 Love Languages quiz today. I’ve always been curious. My results read:

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I actually thought it would be physical touch, but it was a very very close second. Now what I thought was funny was I know my mom’s top love language is Acts of Service, which I literally answered none that way except two by default. I instantly thought of the things my mom and I bicker over and it seriously comes down to the outcomes of this quiz. I do not primarily show love by “acts of serious”, nor do I feel loved by “acts of service”. So here I am failing to show my mom how I appreciate her, and it all comes down to how we feel loved.

I think so many times in relationships we forget that we are all so very different. We react different, we interact different, we love different. If we could tune into those differences and acknowledge that another person’s love language looks different from our own, how much more selfless our love will look like.

I did indeed quote The Biebs. Yes.

Something the Lord has been revealing almost every day now is my issue with filling holes..

This summer it was with the spirit of activity. My relationship with my family and ultimately the Lord was on the rocks and I filled my social agenda as much as I could. If I had to spend an evening at home by myself, I was going nuts. I was avoiding my problem. Something I struggle with so much is putting too much stock in my friendships. Pretty sure this comes from having disgruntled relationships with the family. My friends are an outlet from the mess. I love my friends. I have some good people around me, but time after time, I have felt as if I care more about a friendship than the other. This is painfully, painfully heartbreaking for me. And when it happens, oh does it consume me. Herein lies the problem: the ultimate friendship I’m seeking is only one that God can give me. We can’t fill the holes that only God can fill with other things and people. That’s called idolatry. As Beth Moore puts it, “Anything that treats the symptoms instead of going to the source is a shelter.”

Call me a cheeseball or whatever, but I know this is one of the ways the Lord is preparing me for a spouse. I don’t want to search for the type of love I only find in the Lord through an earthly being. The two are supposed to be separate.

It blows my mind that I can put so much stock in the things of this world, when they just pass away. The Lord is my only constant, my only forever.